Monday, November 22, 2004

ive only told my "normy" friends that im getting a coffin shaped back pack that is black, has little studs around the edges, and a big red cross on it, and im also getting a black velvet backpack that has big purple spikes. i only told my normy friends because that way, my anti-hottopic self will end up the only one with those two items. now i can order loads of stuff from said store that i will not mention just in case, and no one will ever have the same things as me. i want this one "boned vest" that has lace and taffeta on it (or made of it) and these one boots that lace up to midcalf and have a decent sized platform, and i also want their vintage style bat purse. the boned vest looks like a great alternative to the awesome corsets of that are about $120.00 more than the "boned vests" of spooky boutique. i dont know how its possible but ashley the bitchy freak poseur still hasnt discovered or and she thinks that a boustiey with two itsy bitsy sections of one inch wide boning that doesnt even go over the hips is a good deal (price wize and you could only wear this and feel comfortable once a year, renfest $60.00-$80.00) compared to a steel boned corset made of velvet and cotton twill that has a million(not literally) grommets and a hooks in the front and covers everything to a point that it could be worn to school($150.00) . a corset wouldnt fit ashley properly anyway, she doesnt really have hips. ive done some looking around and you can buy a better boustiey that is so much like a corset you could wear it with a victorian outfit and feel good in it at ren fest and it was only $80.00, and this boustiey(no idea how to spell it) had steel boning and everything. ashleys a dumbass, and you can blame her! anyway i think if i have about $160.00 after christmas, im going to buy the boned vest and the boots and the purse. heres my financial stradegy: save all money until christmas which would make $63.00 that way i could go to the mall with long lost best friend alex frank or something to buy all of my friends christmas presents and eat lunch like a piece of pizza or something, so id have $60.00 then id buy julia a book ($8.00) and a ring ($7.00) total: $15.00, then id buy ashley a necklace from hot topic ($10.00) and i could buy justin...hhhhm maybe some barbed wire bracelets total: $5.00 or red rubber spike bracelets, anyway, i could get alex a butterfly necklace or something since shes preppy and that would leave me with about $22.00 and then for christmas if i ask my grandparents for money they can give me $100.00 and then i can pull that, my already there money and whatever i get from my uncle mark $40.00 and then ill have $162.00 and i can buy my shit. yay. i dont know why but i enjoy planning things out vividly like this.

Saturday, November 20, 2004

"why must we label ourselves?" you stupid non-weird people whine. goth is not a label, punk is a fancy way of saying rebel. goth is a subculture that is a refuge for the weird and social outcasts who can identify with dracula and frankenstein and all that, goth is not a label. it didnt become a label until preps became sluts and hottopic came along. you all suck!! The only labels in excistance are sister, brother, mom, dad, aunt, uncle, grandma, grandpa, christian, amish, prodestant, cathlic, jewish, and whos to say which ones are positive or not??? teenage druggies who listen to manson are in a way goth but only in the sence that they too can identify with outcasts of society.
personally, my favorite movie is the black and white version of frankenstein and universal studios version of dracula starring Bella Lugousi(?) with added backround music by kronos quartet. blah blah blah.
im bored and im trying really hard to keep my mind off of my destroyed heart. i THOUGHT i was going to the garage but dumbass ashley asswhole never called me

Sunday, November 07, 2004

i wish i could live in the world of my dreams(literally, not like dream world as in my dream world like the perfect world i made up myself but my actual dream world, the dreams i have at night worl) forever. that would be one odd world, i have one hell of an imagination that goes into nothing but my dreams, i dont even know how to tap into it when im fully consious.
i think there has been a purpose to my having two friends one of which being the adults dream kid and the other being a miniature hooker. i think thats why i "became goth" in the first place. when was in like.... 4th grade i made friends with faduma and she wasnt a discusting weirdo then but she became one by 5th grade. and i was friends with her during 4 and5th grade and she did nasty shit(she had sex with her uncle, and watched a guy cum before she even knew what that meant). then in 6th grade i didnt have any weird or rebelious friends and the balance between me, kid who gets in trouble on occasion and dream kid and shit kid was terminated and i had to regain that balance and i did it by becoming goth. i may act like im 25 to some people but its not because i try. its no fun to be in 8th grade. its funny how you always think that 8th grade would somewhere beyond heaven when your in 2nd grade but when you finally get there, its shit. i would grreeeaatly enjoy high school right now. more people like myself to make friends with, and everyone is used to having us around so they leave us alone and you can drive and ill be taller by then... im not waiting for death, im pretty sure i already died and went to hell.

i had the weirdest dream ever last night

i dreamed that i got pregnet, and i had a baby in my own house, and our house is set up so that if you walk downstairs, the laundry room is right in front of you and its completely unfinished and everything.. and in my dream is finished, it had balck carpeting and black walls and there is a purple light of some sort glowing out of it. and i sit in the doorway and have the baby...then the baby disappears but i dont care. then i go to the mall of america (it looks completely different though) and alex(an old friend of mine) is with me along with ashley and julia and then ashley disappears and so does julia and then its just alex and me and we walk down all these stairs and then we get to this place thats like a dark midevil church and all of sudden she is wearing a red dress and i am wearing a black dress. we look around and there are people in black everywhere, mostly men and then two girls, both wearing these fabric hair-net-thingys that cover all of their hair and they are smiling and one of them had a slightly taller slightly older boy standing next to her, the other girl is in front of her. we are all standing in front of pews as "important" men walk down the isle. the girl thats alones' hair-thingy is red but her dress is black and the girl in back of her is wearing all black and the boy next to her is wearing eyeliner(everyone there seems to be wearing black eyeliner) and he has one silver hoop in his right ear and has long in the front short in the back balck hair and he keeps looking at me with a half smile. then i am in the "laundry" room of my house again only its supposed to be ashleys house and im pregnet again. then sid and norra(my old day-care providers who we keep in touch with even though i havent needed a sitter in like 4 or 5 years) and my parents show up and i have another baby and then it too disappears (i forgot this before but at the beginning of my dream im in this little booth thingy thats on the side of this dark little town in the middle of the night and...thats when i get pregnet...) then im in this huge room and someone is telling me they hope im not afraid of the dark and then i wake up. it sux that i had to wake up. i wish i could just die so i can go home.

Friday, November 05, 2004

i wish i had less of an imagination

i want to double peirce my ears, then peirce the cartaladge in one ear and put little dangly silver rings in all the wholes, i also want a nose stud and to shave my eyebrows off, so i can draw them in, i also want to diy my entire head of hair light purple and cut it to just barely above sholder length and cut short bangs. that would look reeeeaally cool. and if i drew in my eyebrows, i would look alot better, i would also lllloooovvve to cut down on eyeliner, well more like eyeshadow, a slight layer of eyeliner all the way around each eye and then a little bit of eyeshadow on each lid and tons and tons of mascara,in purple maybe... and black lipstick and a spikey backpack with purple velvet spikes, a pleather skirt and large whole fishnets and mega platform swing boots and my faerie shirt and a lip peircing and i want a mini plastic sailor moon backpack(so i can altranate) and id want some black streeks in my purple hair..that would be the coolest. and then when i miss my long hair, i could get pony falls of and use those to make piggy tails, except id want them to be curly unlike my curent hair... thats what im gonna do with my hair tomorrow, ill take a shower and get the blue hairspray out then ill put it in pig tails then ill curl the pig tails and then i will use my blue hairspray to make them stay. i am so lame.
a coffin back pack and a lunch box with the cure on it would also be reeeally nice to have around...

i went to the lame school play last night

ammature/bad actors running around a stage speaking as loudly as they can. costumes themed after all different eras all in one play. all the heights different, boys with changing voices.
i havent eaten a decent meal in about a week and no one notices. ive lost 6 pounds in the past few weeks. i was about 88lbs and now im only at 82. my bras are becomeing too big around and pants that used to be tight are almost falling off and no one notices. theres something wrong with me. im dizzy and drousy all the time and im always hungry. a friend who actually cared would be nice.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

i hate all my extreme so-called friends

all of my friends except for som and julia are extremest poseur loosers. ashley does weed, wears hot topic merchy and listens to manson and thinks shes goth! the things that make her un-goth: 1.she listens to manson 2. she shops at hot topic 3.shes stupid(very very stupid) 4. she doesnt read unless she appsolutely has to 5.her hole room is covered with poseurs posters 6. she actually liked the movie goth 7. she has extremely bad makeup 8. she doesnt like the cure, and everyone knows that robert smith is our goth god!!! 9. she smokes weed anyway..i think a real goth would do this after school 1. fall asleep with head phones blairing the cure or siouxsie and the banshees or sisters of mercy, etc. 2. wake up around 6 to eat dinner with the fam and breeze through abnormally hard homework because goths are smart like that 3. go back to sleep around 7 with the door shut and locked and all the lights off 4. wake up at 10pm and put on trench coat and walk to karibu to get coffee and read a book (sneak out) smoke some cloves with friends who share interests at karibu. 5. get tired and go home and sleep until the next morning... ok so maybe thats more like my ideal day..but you get the point, weed and manson and hot topic do not make you goth, cloves, black clothes and the cure make you goth (the cure part is my opinion because i know and you know that robert smith is god)
anyway.....what else to complain about??
oh that MOTHER FUCKING SUN A OF BITCH BUSH WON THE ELECTION!!! fucker. i hate him. he spends money on all this shit in iraq saying they have chemical weapons, dum shit, there was no false report the u.n. weapons inspectors told us they have no chemical weapons!! and they didnt!!! then he makes this "no child left behind" law, praises schools that do well on the testing and punishs schools that fucked it over. "hello, anyone in there dumass???" (to bush) you have to give the schools that fale or dont do so well the means to succeed!!!you cannot color in a map of the U.S. without a pigmented writing implament, now can you???!!! there are also hungry children all over our own nation that that money could have gone too. then people start to say "oh gee golly, i wonder why our economy goes to shit when a republican is in office?" well oh gee golly gosh let me think MAYBE, ITS BECAUSE THE STUPID FUCK REPUBLICANS GIVE THE FUCKIN RICH PEOPLE THERE NICE LITTLE TAX CUTS!!?? oh gee golly, COULD THAT BE FUCKIN IT????!!!! done with my little rant
im gonna go eat hungry....

Tuesday, November 02, 2004


ive become exactly what i thought i would never be. a rebelious, obnoxious teenager. i suck.
im obsessed with Elizabeth Bathory, yes i know im a psycho. if you dont know who she is, in a nut shell she was a woman living in 17th centry transylvania who took showers in the blood of young pretty virgin girls beleiving it kept her looking young and pale. she was also bisexual and spent alot of time with her aunt Klara. shes so awsome i love her brutality, i only wish she had beaten only mean and shoved pins under their finger nails and only took showers in womens blood. but i suppose her torturing young woman with little reason was some of the earliest bondage.
i have such a boring life. its probably because im so young. i guess you could call me a goth and when i went trick or treating, this one lady said that she wouldnt have given me candy had i not dressed up..i didnt dress up, i only wore a black mesh shirt with a black t-shirt over it and a black skirt and a black trench coat to top it off. its no big deal.
im so sick of people calling me fake...or poseur or telling me i try too hard. so i dont have a sence of humor and i came with a scowl glued to my face, what the fuck do you want me to do about it??? so i dont listen to slip knot or korn, what do you want me to say, "sorry i like a the cure, ill try to cut down on how much of their music i listen too." lately ive been abdoning my just sick of them, so much color, it makes me sick. i have red and black and white and black stripey thigh-highs and i have two pairs of black and purple stripey tights, red and black and white and black stripey o.t.k.s, and i have black and red, black and white and black and hot pick stripey knee-his, and im entirely sick of them all. the only ones i ever really liked were my black and purple o.t.k.s but they got holes and i foolishly cut them up to make something so stupid.
also, (more about sox) i dont understand how my fishnets are in "such bad shape" they only have about 10 rips 6" in diameter, i think it looks cool. i want purple fishnets and black bat shoes, thats what i want, i also want the black patent bat vintage style purse, the spikey backpack and the coffin purse from spooky boutique. but i dont have enough money. as much as i hate hot topic i want the black denim corset that is only $36 and the black trench coat that had three rows of gromet strips across the top but its all so expensive, i also want this one black and purple lamp that i saw at spencers and some new posters and all of the cures cds from 1979 to 1985 and i want beads for my bedroom door, and my own coffin, i want to much. and people call me a spoiled brat...^ that up there is why i could never be christian ^_^